My annual best and worst Feb 1, 2008 12:00 PM
, HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS
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Four
years ago I jumped on Dean & Deluca, grousing that “this catalog
says, ‘You know who we are. These are our prices and we don't have to
justify them.’ And they don't justify them. They just state them, a
patrician approach that works only on the predisposed.”
Either
they've eased down just a few steps from Mount Olympus or I've
mellowed. You decide, based on descriptions such as this one that
begins: SPANISH CHEESE PLATE Don't think of Spain as a great cheese
country? Well, our Spanish Cheese Plate will change your mind. The Blue
La Peral is a delicious cheese that's more creamy and less piquant than
a Valdeon. It is uniquely creamy and subtly sweet with a tanginess all
its own. The velvety goat's milk cheese, Garrotxa has luscious depth
with a long finish and hints of nuts and herbs….
Exotic, huh? Who would admit we don't indulge in Blue La Peral or garrote our palate with Garrotxa?
Well, so much for the upside.
These came close…
Nordstrom.com
Nordstrom's Web presence has some big winners and some placid losers.
The home page seems to have a myriad of interest points, without
seeming cluttered. Depending on when (and where) you land on it, you
may — or may not — be intrigued by the “Savvy Future Perfect” photos of
bony Goth-type models. That's a fashion choice, and you can always skip
to the men's segments, or shoes. (I don't think I've ever encountered
such a huge laundry list of shoe designers. My resident women's shoe
collector pointed out the absence of Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo.)
But
even those who sense an overboard approach to the photography have to
admire the ease of navigation and the clarity of exposition. Thumbnail
photos lead quickly to complete descriptions that include just enough
“sell” copy to be congruent with Web catalog descriptions. An example,
for a taffeta jacket: Embrace the future of fashion in a
liquid-shine tunic paired with body-conscious leggings. LaRok ‘Liquid’
Mock Turtleneck Tunic Slick, futuristic fabric is gathered and draped
into a blouson tunic while buttons secure the mock turtleneck and
banded hem. Polyester; hand wash. By LaRok; made in the USA of imported
fabric. Savvy.
Clever?
Nope, although I'd give an “A” to whoever thought of “body-conscious
leggings. Intriguing without drawing attention to copy as copy? Yep.
AllegroMedical.com
Here's an online catalog that straddles a difficult market — the
medical professional and the medical dilettante — and departs
delightfully from the usual dry descriptions when a product warrants a
lighter touch. For the “Loud Alarm Clock Sonic Bomb Alarm Clock from
Sonic Alert”: The new Sonic Bomb Alarm AKA “The Bomb” has been
designed for guys of all ages on a mission. The Sonic Boom Loud Alarm
Clock comes in a stealth grey color with red controls, night vision
display and pulsating alert lights that won't keep you in the dark. The
Loud Alarm Clock comes complete with a ground shaking super-charged bed
shaker, and turbo-charged 113db extra loud alarm. Good luck sleeping
through this blast, Batman.
NOW, LET'S LOOK DOWN AT FIVE CATALOGS
Disclaimer: Not one of these is terrible. Inclusion is what happens when we grade on the curve.
WORST No. 1
Eddie Bauer
The
Biblical phrase “How are the mighty fallen” would be too strong a
negative if the catalog under our microscope weren't so well
established. We in the catalog world have followed the history of this
company, now in its 88th year, and its financial ups and downs.
The
name has value. The catalog copy is flat, pedestrian and, in some
descriptions, much in need of editing. Would you have accepted a
description that begins this way?
Wool
Blazer CLASSIC FIT We try to make our apparel simple, beautiful and
perfect for everyday wear. This wool blazer is no exception.
WORST No. 2
Allen Brothers
I
have the feeling this gourmet foods catalog uses several copywriters,
because copy is all over the place. Paralleling Eddie Bauer the catalog
can use a heavier blue pencil for its editing. One strange description:
Leg
of Lamb. Prized for its tenderness, this incredible leg of lamb arrives
to serve 12 to 16. The naturally delicate flavor of our high-quality
domestic lamb lends itself well to your preferences; add as much or as
little flavoring as you like before cooking. It comes boneless and
tied, ready to roast and serve. Serves 12 to 16.
“Lends itself well to your preferences”? Hmmm. And yes, we know, we know, it serves 12 to 16.
WORST No. 3
Horchow
Ever
get the feeling, as you read a catalog description, that the copywriter
stopped before finishing or somebody deleted key copy? That's the
reaction some of the Horchow copy generates. An example, the total
description for a $499 lamp:
“EVOLUTION”
LAMP From Waterford®. Shapely crystal topped with a red silk shade.
Three-way switch; uses one 100-watt bulb. 18“Dia. × 34.5“T.
USA/imported.
“Shapely crystal”? Here's another complete description:
WINGED
VANITY CHAIR A perfect perch to ponder life. Handcrafted of solid
birchwood with silk/chenille covering. 30“W × 19“DD × 31“T with 19“
seat height. Imported.
Apparently this catalog depends on illustrations to sell.
Here's
a question: Can't copy be bright and motivational, whether created by a
high-priced professional or by anyone who recognizes the difference
between eye-grabbing and blah?
This
catalog competes in a cutthroat business segment — advertising
specialties. Copy such as “Promote your business with our online
advertising specialties and promotional products catalog. Create good
will handing out fun and useful promotional items displaying your
message.” isn't competitive.
For an imprintable flashlight, note the unnecessary repeats and lack of incentives: High
Caliber Line — K-242-0. Plastic LED flashlight key chain with black
grip, factory direct. Plastic LED flashlight key chain with black grip,
factory direct. Material: Plastic Color: Silver Minimum Production
Time: 50 day(s) Size: 2 7/8"
Maybe they need a proofreader more than they need a different copywriter.
WORST No. 5
New Braunfels Smokehouse
I'm
really itchy about including this one, because it has some of the most
appetizing photographs any food catalog can boast. But some of the copy
— not all — seems to have been extruded rather than written. One
example, at $74.95:
Jerky
Combo. If you love the “classics” and have never understood the phrase,
“too much of a good thing,” the Jerky Combo is the perfect deal for
you. You get an incredible 1 lb. each of: Original Beef Jerky Pork
Jerky Turkey Jerky for those who know what they want, and want a lot!
Another: Pecan
Honey Butter. Made with lots of honey, soy-rich margarine and chopped
pecans, our creamy Pecan Honey Butter adds unique flavoring and savory
sweetness to breads, hot cereal, pancakes and more!
See why it's an uneasy inclusion? It isn't bad. It's just words.
And
that's it for this season. You may not agree with my conclusions. You
may have other candidates, good and bad. Or you may resent outside
criticism. That's okay. As a tireless Chicago Cubs fan, I'll sigh once
again… there's always next year.
Herschell Gordon Lewis is the principal of Lewis Enterprises (herschellgordonlewis.com.) in Fort Lauderdale, FL. Author of 31 books, including On the Art of Writing Copy and the just-published Creative Rules for the 21st Century, he writes copy for and consults with clients worldwide.
